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John is not yet dead, but it won't be long. He is confined to a wheelchair.
His left arm and leg are useless. He needs help to use the bathroom, to get
a drink, to go outside. Reading the newspaper is too difficult, television is
banal. He is bored much of the time, when he is not terrified. He is still
very sharp mentally, but his body has betrayed him.
Steroids haved helped slow the growth of the tumor, but soon their side-effects
will be greater than the benefit they provide, and he will have to stop taking
them. He dreads the inevitable decline into pain and death.
John questions his fate and the unfairness of what has happened to him, even
though he has no illusions about fairness. He wavers between despair and hope
that there is some meaning to existence. He kindles a cynical hope that he
will be surprised that there is an afterlife; he suspects there is nothing.
He thinks of suicide often. He remembers the pain he suffered before the
tumor was cut out, headaches that had him writhing on the floor, screaming
in agony. He fears a return of the pain, a pain greater than before the
operation, a pain with no relief except death. The wait for the agony
and the wait for the release fills him with panic and despair.
He wishes that his wife and son were not witness such an ugly departure, but
he also wishes to spare them the pain of witnessing his suicide. As the
days pass he grows more dependent on his family's help. The instinct for
self-preservation remains strong; it makes acceptance of the inevitable much
harder to achieve.
John knows that he has to prepare for his leaving, he realizes his journey
is reaching an end. Despite this realization, he fears the unknown, the
threat of nothingness. He desperately reaches out to his friends, trying
to tighten the ties to this life. He wants to leave something of himself:
his knowledge, his experience, his love.
He lived life as well as anyone could, but he feels cheated: he is only
forty-one. He loved life, but feels he didn't get his fair share. He thinks
that he made mistakes in his life; he regrets some of the choices he made.
He realizes the perils of hindsight and that tradeoffs are unavoidable, but
he still feels that he could have enjoyed life more.
Life's message is becoming clear to him. He wishes to impart this wisdom
to his family and friends, but they are on journeys of their own, making the
same compromises that life forces upon us all. He is lonely. At times he
feels that he is dead already; it seems that the ones he loves have forgotten
him.
I do what I can to help. Facing death is not easy; death is a fact of life
that many people prefer to ignore. For me, dealing with death directly helps
me to value all aspects of life, bad as well as good. When my time comes, I
hope to die with the peace of mind that I lived life fully. Helping John to
achieve that same peace it the best I can hope to do for him.
- Jack Tourette
03 May 1994
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